Today I wanted to talk about something different so I posted a Strawberry Letter from The Steve Harvey Morning show! This issue is reverse, because it’s from the husband worried about a “special friendship” his wife is having………….read below and comment .
Dear Steve, I am a 42 year old man and have been married to my wife “Lisa” for 15 years. Lisa is 43 and we have 4 children. Lisa is a good wife and I believe I am a loving husband. Here is my problem: Lisa has occasional telephone conversations with an ex-lover and it bothers me. Before we were married, Lisa told me that she and “Larry” were friends from college and the three of us even met for lunch once. When I asked her if Larry was an old boyfriend she said no. About a year later, she admitted to me that before she and I met, she had a sexual relationship with Larry. I asked her why she lied and told me that Larry wasn’t an old boyfriend. She said that she didn’t lie because she never “dated” Larry; they were just friends with benefits. Now she says she and Larry are just friends (without benefits) and that she would never cheat on me. But since she slept with him before when they weren’t dating, I don’t like her talking to him now. Steve, am I being unreasonable?
Signed, Feeling Jealous
This is a good one. Do I think she is cheating? I don’t know and neither does the husband. Right now at least he is being honest that he is feeling jealous of their now renewed friendship after so many years. I think even if they didn’t have sex in the past, he would still be jealous and have a reason to worry. Should he be worried? In a way, yes and in a way, no.
The letter doesn’t give enough details. It says she has an occasional phone conversation with a guy she went to college with, who she had sex with when they were in college. Then he goes on to explain their (the wife and the friends) past. The main thing is – how often is occasional? Is it daily, weekly, monthly? If she is 43, college was at least 20 years ago.
You don’t think she could have moved on from the past and truly just be cool with him now? Or are you thinking from the male perspective that men can’t really be friends with a woman and he really wants something from her?
Is it just talking on the phone? Do they ever meet for lunch? What are they talking about? I will say it could easily turn into an emotional affair for her. You have been married for 15 years and whether you think you are a good husband or not – you don’t know what she is lacking in the relationship from you. He could talk to her about things you can’t. Not saying it’s ok to keep this friendship going because of my last statement. I am really just saying, if it bothers you to that extent you need to really sit down and discuss her need to talk to him so frequently and what is she getting out the conversation.
Ask her if she is still happy with you? Ask her have you become complacent in your actions towards her (doing the same thing and not trying anything new). Express your unease about their friendship and see if she is willing to slow down (way down) communication with him. But can you really ask your spouse to never speak to an ex again? That’s a whole other topic. I mean your spouse is grown and how are you going to forbid them from speaking to anyone EVER AGAIN because YOU basically can’t handle it. So many times you hear, “It’s not you I don’t trust, it’s them!” Well, if you really trust the one you are with, then trust that if they do ever talk to an ex they will do the right thing BECAUSE YOU TRUST THEM. Or do you really trust them? Hmmmmmmmm
(To sum it up, she shouldn’t be talking to him so frequently, daily or weekly, if it bothers you to that extent – maybe once a year.) Just my thoughts feel free to share your own.
Original Post from my other (WIFE Blog)
Katherine Phillips
October 16, 2012 at 11:55 amThe fact that she lied about the relationship they used to have would bother me. Maybe if she hadn’t lied and been more upfront he would be a little more comfortable. I agree that since we don’t know the extent of their conversations we can’t very well say. He definitely needs to express how he feels and maybe she will tell him why it is so important for her tp continue that relationship.
kita
October 16, 2012 at 12:51 pmHmmmm this is a hard one. If the wife and her friend are just friends then why can’t we all be friends that’s how I feel with my hubs friends. If she is your friend then she should be mine too. I hope she is not cheating but she was not upfront in the beginning so that already makes her just a tad suspicious.
Your Unexpected Beauty (Yolanda)
October 16, 2012 at 1:12 pmI’m pretty sure this man has told his wife he doesn’t like her talking on the phone with her “friend” based off the fact that she said she wouldn’t cheat in him. If ANY relationship/friendship I have causes a strain on my marriage, adjustments or a complete cutoff would be made. The wife is the one that needs the advice because she is not behaving like a “good wife”.
Mimi
October 22, 2012 at 1:09 amI think Yolanda’s point that if any relationship causes strife in a marriage it needs to be cut off. I totally agree.
Ron Wilson
December 11, 2017 at 10:33 pmExactly right, I work with a woman who is still talking to or even more with a co-worker. They had a sexual relationship. She claims not to talk to him other than business but the evidence shows more. She claims that her husband trusts her. But is the case trust or a matter of was is right?
Tiffany
October 16, 2012 at 1:12 pmI am still friends with several of ex-boyfriends, and talk to them on a regular basis. Most of them are married now with kids, but some are still single. My husband is well aware of my friendships with them, and it doesn’t bother him. It sounds like there is something more going on with the husband here that he is still stuck on an untruth from over 15 years ago. You can’t hold grudges like that in a relationship, they can be toxic. Although, I do agree, a friendship with an old lover can easily turn into an emotional affair if your needs are not being met at home. Communication is the key here, and maybe some help from an unbiased counselor. He needs to get to the root of why he is still holding a grudge, and she needs to be sure that she isn’t reaching out to this man because she’s missing something at home.
Rochelle
October 16, 2012 at 1:18 pmI’m inclined to say that she is cheating. Maybe not physically but, perhaps emotionally. What leads me to believe this is the fact that she straight up lied when he asked about the nature of the their relationship. At the end of the day all that matters is that her marriage and family is in tact. If not…then the convo with the ex-whatever needs to stop. The marriage and family comes first.
Bernetta
October 16, 2012 at 1:23 pmLet me say this ladies, it’s true she lied in the beginning but YALL KNOW A MAN CAN NOT HANDLE his lady, girl, wife talking to anyone she ever had sex with. I believe that’s why she lied at first. #JMO
Kat @ iHeart7.com
October 16, 2012 at 2:49 pmI don’t like confusion in marriage at all. If he’s expressed to her that he’s uncomfortable with the friendship, it shouldn’t be that serious for her to just cut it off especially since he has good reason to be uncomfortable with it… I mean, they have had sex before! I wouldn’t carry on a friendship that my husband was justified in being uncomfortable with — now, if he didn’t want me to be friends with someone that I had a close friendship with for 20 unbroken years just because he didn’t like them, then that’s a different story, but that’s not the case here. She’s striking up occasional phone conversations with someone she knew from way back when and had a sexual relationship with. There’s no real REASON for this friendship to even exist. She LIED about the origins of the friendship and didn’t disclose to him the truth until AFTER they were married! Trifling. I don’t care how difficult the truth is — when it’s someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with, you owe them the truth. This is her MARRIAGE and that should be where her priority and loyalties lie. NO ONE takes precedence over my husband being secure in our relationship and anything that causes him to doubt that would have to go. I personally don’t think I would even think about talking on the phone with anyone from my past out of respect for my husband, but that’s just me… Of course, my husband and I have been married since I was 18 so our situation is a bit different — we were married when we started college. But at the same time, respect is respect no matter what your situation is!
Bernetta
October 16, 2012 at 3:17 pmGreat points! Great points!
Anonymous
May 3, 2013 at 6:22 pmI have a very simular situation last night I found out that my wife has been having lunch while she is at work in san diegowith her ex lover . she told me that when she was going to get devorced from her previous husband she started sleeping with her ex boss, she claims that they are just good friends and she swares that there is nothing more to it than that . I was shocked when I figured out that she has been having lunch probable every time she goes to work.she works there two days a week and the rest of the time she works from home, 200 miles away from her job. I told her that I was very uncomfortable with that and she still is going to have lunch with him . what should I do ? we have been married for 3 years and together for four years now . And before we met up together she was seeing that guy right up to the very first date maybe even seen him for a short time while we were in the begining of our relationship and the guy is un happily married she claims ,that is what bothers me the most he is married! .what should I do just say ok I trust you or should I be moore concerned and if there is more to it how do i find out? any help would be very much appreciated.
mike
Anonymous
May 6, 2013 at 3:01 pmHi this is mike and I wanted to thank you for the advice i tolld my wife how i felt and she promised me that she would never have linch or even talk to him again .I really hope she follows throughj becousae like I mention she goes out of town for two days and I really pray that she keeps her word I trust her .I hope this helps someone else in the same situation communication and god is the key ,,
Joey
May 15, 2016 at 11:34 amI need advise.im married to my wife 10 yrs and we two children 7 and 8.last year i was going through our closet looking for my son’s toy i came across my wife’s journal.i know the rules never read a womans journal and out of curiosity i did.i read the last page of her journal that while we were engaged she slept with this guy.he is a family friend and she been seeing her after we got married.i look back i had a suspicion becausethey always talk on the and texting.i comfonted her about it and she admited it so i told her okey it happen long ago and i was upset.a week later i starting to find out alot of things going on.i start looking to our emails and find out she talking another guys online craigslist posting herself naked and exchanging emails to some guys and i start digging to our emails and her account she been doing it for years.talking to her exboyfriends trying to hook up with them and when when finally had a big fight and blame me it was my fault i dont pay attention to her got ugly almost devorce. We got through it and i told her i forgive you for what you did and lets move on.here is the big problem she still talking to the guy she cheated on me with years ago and she acts like its not a big deal.i gave her chance to figure out when to stop because i connot tell her to stop coz she going to do it anyways.i just want her to figure out what she is doing.she keep talking to this guy every time im at work.what should i do?
Bernetta
May 18, 2016 at 8:31 amThank you for reaching out. I will give you my 2 cents on this subject. First of all, I am so sorry that you had to find all of this out about your spouse. I can tell you really love her. 2nd, I read this post a few times before commenting and want to ask you, if you re-read your post what advice would you give this person? Honestly, it seems like your wife is no longer in love with you. It’s possible she never was. And even if she was, she isn’t now. It’s no way she could be & cheating with someone else on a regular basis & making hook up connections with other men. Your relationship could just be stability for her & the children but its apparent she is not 100% happy or content with “Just You”. I can’t tell you what to do, but what do you want? Do you want to spend the next few months, or years dealing with the mental picture of her cheating on you? Wondering what she is doing when you are at work? Wondering who is texting her when her phone dings? And trying to make her fall back in love with you. Trying to “be enough” for her, when you haven’t been all this time. You have some decisions to make. I will say this, if she is 100% willing to change – I would still see a marriage counselor. If she isn’t, I believe you have your answer. I hope this helps you.
Elizabeth
June 4, 2021 at 7:49 pmmy wife left me for her ex post comments