Disclaimer: This post is for “Married Folk”. If you’ve never been married and/or you’re still dating you probably couldn’t understand why this is so important.
I recently went to an event given by the organization Covenant Keepers 4 Life. Their purpose is to restore marriages and educating married couples on how to make their marriage thrive. The speaker for the day was Christian Psychologist, Dr. Alduan Tartt and he spoke about the Love Map and walked us through the love cycle of marriage with exercises at each interval.
Although, the entire session could be a separate post – I really wanted to share one piece of information and exercise that stood out to me and that I will be implementing asap!
The Magic Kiss
He asked if anyone had ever heard of “The Magic Kiss” and a few hands went up but most people sat there with their antennas at full attention because he followed it with, ” … and how it can transform your marriage!”
Dr. John Gottman, PhD and renowned marriage researcher from the University of Washington, has studied marriage for decades. Dr. Gottman stresses the importance of connecting during departure (leaving for work, bedtime) & reunion (home from work, waking up).
So, how do you connect?
The magic kiss is when you kiss your spouse for 6 seconds at least twice a day. The two times a day are in the morning when you leave and in the evening when you return home.
Those moments when you see each other also set the tone for the rest of your time together, positively or negatively. When you are able to greet your spouse with your full attention and affection, it shows them that they are on your mind and can easily trigger reciprocal feelings on their part.
Why 6 Seconds?
Kissing releases oxytocin, the same hormone that is released when a women breast feeds. Oxytocin is partly responsible for
- The connection that mothers have with their new babies.
- The connection/bond between husbands and wives through kissing.
So are you asking why 6 seconds? According to Dr. Gottman, this kiss is “long enough to feel romantic”, yet it won’t make you late for work!
At the event, Dr. Tartt made every couple (if they felt comfortable) turn towards each other and kiss for 6 seconds. I won’t lie, I was peeking to see who was actually kissing.
Here I am puckering up my lips to hold a kiss for 6 seconds and the couple next to me is acting like the preacher said, “You may kiss the bride!” They were going in.
I was initially uncomfortable because I was trying to count, kiss and connect. After the exercise I realized I was the only one peeking and I should have been paying attention to my hubby and laying a big one on him.
Do You Still Kiss Your Spouse?
Remember when you started dating and you had your first kiss? Do you remember how that kiss made you feel? I remember my first kiss with my husband, although it was awkward because he was trying to be creative.
I was sitting on the floor & he was on the cough, and he kisses me upside down. You know on the first kiss, you try to show your skills. Do you know how hard it is to show your kissing skills when one of you are upside down?
I also remember that when we dated, we kissed ALL THE TIME. We couldn’t stop. We couldn’t get enough of kissing each other. Was it the same for you?
Fast forward to whatever year of your marriage you are, do you two still feel the same way? Some married couples have stopped kissing altogether! They still have sex, but they no longer kiss.
Prolonged kissing is just one way to fan the flame of romance within your marriage. If you want to experience marital bliss, physical affection in your marriage really isn’t optional. Marriage itself isn’t hard, but doing it right consistently can be.
One Bonus Exercise:
Another exercise we did that we plan to implement is turning towards each other and sharing what we appreciate from our spouse within the last 24 hours.
This really causes you to look at what your spouse did for you and not just take them for granted by stating the obvious, “Thank you for being a good dad. Thank you for being my husband!” When you can only say thank you for their actions for the last 24 hours, it causes you to really pay attention to what your spouse does for you.
- “Thank you for taking out the trash in the rain!”
- “Thank you for taking me to out to eat last night!”
- “Thank you for coaching our son’s flag football team even though I know you work hard & travel all week.”
Sooooooo, can you implement The Magic Kiss & The 24 hour Appreciation Conversation?