W.I.F.E

The IN-LAWS or The WIFE? (Question & Answer)

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{This was a real email sent to me!}

Dear W.I.F.E (BernettaStyle)

Who should the husband listen to? His momma or his main lady? What should I think of a man that is always running to his parents for advice or whatever? Has your husband ever had to choose between his parents and you?

Signed,
A wife with in-law issues!

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Dear Wife with In-law issues,

Oooooh this is a good one. Just looking at the topic alone, I would automatically say choose “The WIFE”. I am not going to quote the bible right now, but you know it says “cleave and become one”. I believe once you say I do, then your spouse becomes a part of you and should be number 1. Not his mama or your mama (or the daddy’s), but your spouse. It may be hard to say, but choosing between a parent and a spouse shouldn’t be a question or an option.

It comes a point in the parents life, that they have to let go and let live. A good parent would not even try to come between their child and spouse, but speak when asked and let them deal with their own issues. And when I say speak when asked, I mean if she sees the couple having a slight argument in front of her – she shouldn’t just bud in and give her two cents saying, “What I would do baby is this ….”

Speaking from a WIFES perspective, I have an o-k relationship with my in-laws. I would love love love for it to be better. I think it was on it’s way to being great but they moved to another state 1 month before we said, “I do.” So now we actually see them a few times a year. And when we do, we get along just fine but it’s not all lovey dovey. I will say this about his parents, they do not get involved with our problems. His mother and father are still married and they are respectful to our marriage. She helps when I ask (if I ask and that is few and far in between). I never see my husband running to his mother about me or our problems.

I will say this – at times he did call them, we agreed on calling them before he made the call. And if we ever call – for us, it’s a question about the kids, food, house stuff…. NEVER ABOUT OUR PERSONAL ARGUMENTS (again, unless we agree together to call them). And honestly, his mother has taken my sides quite a few times! But if it’s an issue where your husband is always calling his mother, always…. ask him WHY? If my husband was always calling his mother (besides the regular check up and I love you calls) to ask advice and talking about US (you know what I mean), I would wonder what he really thinks of me, or us!

Why can’t we (meaning you all) just work it out? Why bring the parents into it? As for my mother, she hardly knows anything personal that goes on in here! If she knows it, it’s because she was over here when we were talking about it! But you have to know my mom to know why! Hope this helps, and I hope some WIFES chime in. God’s Favor.

What do you (as readers) think about this? 

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12 Comments

  • Reply
    Yolanda @ Your Unexpected Beauty
    January 24, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    So true what happens in our house stays in our house unless we agree otherwise. Your spouse should be your best friend and therefore your confidant. My hubby has called his father a few times when we had major changes (baby #1, bought a house, baby #2 etc.) and he needed advice on “manly things”, but he even let me know when those calls were made.

  • Reply
    Renae
    January 24, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    My first feelings are this what happens in our house stays in our house; the husband should listen to his wife and vice versa. I would definitely have to have a conversation with my husband if he always ran to his parents about “our” marriage issues. Unfortunately my mother- in- law passed away in 2006. But, I will say that there have been certain times that I felt like my husband needed to seek outside advice because we were out odds and I wish that advice would have come from his mother or from my parents if not from me.
    I don’t involve my parents with our marriage issues and they don’t pry into our issues if they are around and something comes up between us they stay out of it. And, if my mom has something to say about it she will wait until it is just her and I and then bring it up to me privately. You have to set boundaries with family members especially parents and siblings when it comes to your marriage. I suggest that she have a serious sit down with her husband and express to him, how she feels about him always running to his parents with their marriage issues.

  • Reply
    kita
    January 24, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    I went to my mom in the beginning of our marriage when she was alive but my mother never took sides she would hear my side of the story then say now what did you do because I know you. My hubs has went to his mother on occasions but I don’t really care because she is not of a position to give any advice…at all. Her advice goes in one ear and comes out the other. I think we can all use some outside advice from time to time but if it’s not fair advice then I don’t want to hear it.

  • Reply
    A Haute Mommy
    January 24, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    I 100% agree. My family has no input in my relationship because I never involve them. My mom doesn’t know any personal information but my honey’s family knows a little too much. He goes to them for advice and I don’t like it. I’m not close with his family even though I live 2 doors down from his mother. That’s more on my part than hers because she wants us to have a close relationships. Honestly I don’t feel comfortable like that especially since I’m sure they have an opinion of me because of the things he went to them with.

  • Reply
    Anonymous
    January 24, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    I don’t have that same situation I have been in a physical altercation with my mother in law because she called me a bit## in my own home now it causes problems for the grandkids. I just pray that’s all i can’t do

  • Reply
    Cam | Bibs and Baubles
    January 25, 2013 at 12:10 am

    You summed it up. I totally agree. Parents should neve know too much of your business. If you have issues that you’ve worked through, parents may still bring it up. “Does he still this? Does she still that? When you two have grown beyond it and moved on. They are not there in the everyday of it all and may still be living in your past when you’re looking toward your future.

  • Reply
    Teems
    January 25, 2013 at 1:55 am

    You gave the answer I would have given. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way not to involve the family or friends in our troubles and put the significant other first. Whenever things were going wrong with us it was because one of us was not prioritizing the other.

  • Reply
    Stacie Sayz So
    January 25, 2013 at 2:39 am

    I agree with you. We are to leave and cleave. It just makes the relationship flow better.

  • Reply
    Katherine Phillips
    January 25, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    I have spoken to my mom on occasion but she tells me like it is. If I’m wrong I’m wrong but I don’t run to her on a constant basis. I sometimes need to vent and she is my confidant since I have no friends but she knows I will decide what to listen to.

  • Reply
    Redhead Baby Mama
    January 25, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    A totally difficult issue. Hubs is really great with me because I consult with my mom (and him) about EVERYTHING. If he and I can’t deicide, I’ll ask mom to weigh in. She’s my best friend!

  • Reply
    Katherine G
    December 9, 2014 at 8:28 am

    I don’t think anyone should constantly run to their parents every time they have a problem. That can tend to make a problem worse. It also can cause conflict between the mom and the wife/husband. Nope I wouldn’t do it. There should be no choice of having to choose between the parents or spouse.

  • Reply
    Candy Cook
    December 10, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    When I first married my husband, he would call his mom every day and talk about his day. I wondered why he spent so much time telling her everything in his life. I asked my own mom about it and she said it was a good sign because watch how a man treats his mom, that’s how he’s going to end up treating you. He had an excellent relationship with his mom and also with me. She’s an older, wiser woman and I am thankful for the wisdom she has bestowed upon us. Sometimes, it’s hard for men or women to find the right way to handlea situation between the opposite sex and maybe they turn to someone they trust to advise them. That being said. I would feel slighted if my husband decided to always follow mom’s advice against my own input or if he was inviting her to comment on every disagreement or situation.

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