W.I.F.E

(Video) Ask Bernetta :: My Husband Changed His Mind!

Welcome to my first Ask Bernetta! I was too excited when I saw this in my inbox and eager to get the letter (and hear your responses) to you all asap. I will post the letter below in addition to reading it in the video. If you read the letter yourself, you can skip to minute 4:00 to go directly to our answer. Who is “Our”? I included my husband on this video. Based on the letter and the particular question, I really felt like she needed to hear both viewpoints.

Read (or Listen) the letter, watch the video and feel free to give your 2 cents as well!

Hi, Bernetta I am married and have two kids from a previous relationship; also, my husband have two kids from a previous relationship.  He recently had to have surgery and now unable to work.  We had a discussion before the surgery that I will join the military active duty to help provide for the family, he was totally onboard and supportive about the decision.  The reasons why join the military are: 1) I have always wanted to join and serve my country but unable due to the fact I was a single parent. 2) This move will help use out financially including receiving a generous monthly stipend over $2000, including paying all school tuition and books, which mean I will not have to work as much while in school. I am currently in Family Nurse Practitioner School and will not be required to actively be involved in the military until I am finish with school. Upon entering I will be a Captain, with more sign on bonuses and incentives available, with awesome networking connections, and great experience. 3) Since my husband is unable to work now and will have to file for permanent disability, I will have to work even harder and more than I am currently working and plus attend school full-time until I graduate, and I will finish school no matter what. I have always worked very hard, working full-time plus overtime as a Registered Intensive Care Nurse.  My husband was a truck driver and making a decent income, and throughout our 3-year marriage I carried on paying all the household bills, mortgage, etc. My husband was able to use his income to clear previous debt he acquired before I came into the picture, along with pursuing other hobbies such as DJ and photography, buying needed equipment etc., and basically doing whatever with his income.  Now, the issue is he have changed his mind about me joining the military and want to sell cars, which he believe he will make a great income. I am okay with him selling cars and other hobbies such as DJ, Photography, etc, but I explained to him that is varying income and we can not based our finances on that especially just starting off. Another reason, he say he don’t want to leave his kids.  We had the conversation before, and this was not a problem. He would have been able to have the kids for the entire summer and visit as much as he liked during the year (monthly if he liked, and able to stay as long as he needs by him not working) because our income will be sufficient to carry out this extra expense. I even stated we can only do this for 3 years, which will be my obligation, and I don’t have to resign if this does not work out, and we will be financially debt free.  He continues to say he can’t leave his kids. I am making the sacrifice to leave my kids if I have to be deployed for a couple months, (If that happens); because I know I am doing this for them to have better opportunities and financially stability.  I see our marriage falling apart because he is not willing to make needed sacrifices, and thinks I will continue to work like a slave to continue our lifestyle.  I no marriage is for better or worse and I am okay when doing whatever if there is no other way, but there is, which will include our family having a better lifestyle, opportunities, and education. Also, I will not have to slave to provide this. So, am I being unreasonable? 

Sincerely,

Selfish or Realistic

Ask Bernetta :: My Response

Well?!  What do you think? Do you agree with us or have a different viewpoint? Please share your thoughts for the young lady to see.

If you have a question for Ask Bernetta! Please email BernettaStyle@gmail.com with Ask Bernetta in the subject line.

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9 Comments

  • Reply
    Joyce@MommyTalkShow
    September 2, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    One thing I’d like to mention is that if he goes on permanent disability and then goes to sell cars, he’s breaking the law. If you’re disabled and can’t work for your employer, then the law doesn’t allow you to work for yourself.

  • Reply
    Kita
    September 2, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    I am thinking about this one. I have a friend who is in the army and she stuck through it but to be away from my kids. I know the benefits are great but they have to weigh all of their options. Does she have help or a support system for backup? I don’t know many questions.

  • Reply
    Janelle McLeod
    September 2, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Very good question of discussion. I mean this depends, how old are the kids? If their under the age of 18 then NO he needs to here here in his kids lives. Kids needs active parents around, not seasonal parents. My husband also has one daughter in a previous relationship. We couldn’t leave the state of GA until he says his daughter finish high school (and off to college). Did I like that? NO! But I had to understand as a father where he’s coming from. A child need the presence of their father. It’s not about us “the adults” its about the kids.. I put myself in his shoes and said, “if it was my kids, then yes I would want him to stay until the kids are out of school too” My husband daughter is now out of high school and moving forward with her life.

    How old are the kids? And I believe she should still go off to the military as planned. Wishing them all the best in whatever direction taken and prayer is always the key! “Pray About Everything, Worry About Nothing!” -Philippians 4:6

    Janelle

  • Reply
    Yolanda @ Your Unexpected Beauty
    September 2, 2013 at 4:22 pm

    I watched the video with my hubby and we are having a difference of opinion. 🙂 I think based off the info she provided that she should go to the military (with his approval) and the hubby thinks she should not. I think that when they initially agreed that she should go THEY more than likely sat down and weighed the pros and cons and decided that this would be best for their ENTIRE family that she does. Now that HE has changed his mind that decision probably came from a selfish thought that benefits HIM more than the entire family.

    Love the new addition to BernettaStyle!

  • Reply
    S.DOT Pretti
    September 2, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    Ok, read and watched. I’m active duty military and I initially came in for the life experience and to travel the world. I am now divorced with 3 children. The benefits that come from joining the service are immeasurable. IMO I think her spouse should consider the pros and cons of her suggestion, ALSO considering HIS situation. I myself am able to maintain on my own. I think Service Members in the military who have support from their families (spouses) makes for a better and solid career. Just my opinion.

  • Reply
    Demetra
    September 2, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    WOW, what a tough position this couple is in. The wife really seems like a highly motivated go-getter. Joining the military would get them on the right track financially but if the husband is not on board then they need to make another plan.

    • Reply
      JB
      September 3, 2013 at 7:43 pm

      The kids r age 10 and 13, my kids are 13 and 6. His kids lives with their mother who stay 2 hours away from us. We have them every other week and sometimes one weekend out of the month. Therefore I don’t see a big change If we were to go this route, because it will benefit the whole family on so many levels, for example, debt paid off, better educational opportunities and college paid for the kids because they r approaching that age, travel opportunities, great networking connection and much more. Many people tend to forget the reason our country is free and able to live in peace is because of individuals making sacrifices to leave their family for short periods of time. I just think when you have an opportunity to better your family as a whole and also able to give back to help others, why not?

  • Reply
    Katherine G
    September 3, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    I really think the age of the children are important. I agree with others that if they are under 18 that, that is something that should seriously be considered. I also think it should have been discussed before the surgery. They should discuss it more.

  • Reply
    Lindsey, the Redhead Baby Mama
    September 8, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    I agree, Bernetta. Based on her letter, she seems to have her head about her, and the husband seems flighty, non-commital as far as jobs and money go as well as waffly on issues.

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