Today I wanted to talk about something different so I posted a Strawberry Letter from The Steve Harvey Morning show! This issue is reverse, because it’s from the husband worried about a “special friendship” his wife is having………….read below and comment .
Dear Steve, I am a 42 year old man and have been married to my wife “Lisa” for 15 years. Lisa is 43 and we have 4 children. Lisa is a good wife and I believe I am a loving husband. Here is my problem: Lisa has occasional telephone conversations with an ex-lover and it bothers me. Before we were married, Lisa told me that she and “Larry” were friends from college and the three of us even met for lunch once. When I asked her if Larry was an old boyfriend she said no. About a year later, she admitted to me that before she and I met, she had a sexual relationship with Larry. I asked her why she lied and told me that Larry wasn’t an old boyfriend. She said that she didn’t lie because she never “dated” Larry; they were just friends with benefits. Now she says she and Larry are just friends (without benefits) and that she would never cheat on me. But since she slept with him before when they weren’t dating, I don’t like her talking to him now. Steve, am I being unreasonable?
Signed, Feeling Jealous
This is a good one. Do I think she is cheating? I don’t know and neither does the husband. Right now at least he is being honest that he is feeling jealous of their now renewed friendship after so many years. I think even if they didn’t have sex in the past, he would still be jealous and have a reason to worry. Should he be worried? In a way, yes and in a way, no.
The letter doesn’t give enough details. It says she has an occasional phone conversation with a guy she went to college with, who she had sex with when they were in college. Then he goes on to explain their (the wife and the friends) past. The main thing is – how often is occasional? Is it daily, weekly, monthly? If she is 43, college was at least 20 years ago.
You don’t think she could have moved on from the past and truly just be cool with him now? Or are you thinking from the male perspective that men can’t really be friends with a woman and he really wants something from her?
Is it just talking on the phone? Do they ever meet for lunch? What are they talking about? I will say it could easily turn into an emotional affair for her. You have been married for 15 years and whether you think you are a good husband or not – you don’t know what she is lacking in the relationship from you. He could talk to her about things you can’t. Not saying it’s ok to keep this friendship going because of my last statement. I am really just saying, if it bothers you to that extent you need to really sit down and discuss her need to talk to him so frequently and what is she getting out the conversation.
Ask her if she is still happy with you? Ask her have you become complacent in your actions towards her (doing the same thing and not trying anything new). Express your unease about their friendship and see if she is willing to slow down (way down) communication with him. But can you really ask your spouse to never speak to an ex again? That’s a whole other topic. I mean your spouse is grown and how are you going to forbid them from speaking to anyone EVER AGAIN because YOU basically can’t handle it. So many times you hear, “It’s not you I don’t trust, it’s them!” Well, if you really trust the one you are with, then trust that if they do ever talk to an ex they will do the right thing BECAUSE YOU TRUST THEM. Or do you really trust them? Hmmmmmmmm
(To sum it up, she shouldn’t be talking to him so frequently, daily or weekly, if it bothers you to that extent – maybe once a year.) Just my thoughts feel free to share your own.